Adrian Gonzalez Vs. SpongeBob? by Jared Carrabis
Nickelodeon releasing video game with MLB players vs. Nicktoons, my all-time cartoon lineup


So I'm stumbling across some baseball headlines, and I caught a post on Boston.com that "2K Play has a new Nicktoons MLB video game coming out next Tuesday for Xbox 360 with support for Kinect, Wii and Nintendo DS" and the concept of the game is Nickelodeon Nicktoons versus MLB players.

This, of course, got me to thinking, What if I could assemble a baseball lineup using any and every cartoon character of all-time? Here's what my squad would look like.

At first base, this is a no-brainer. I'm going with Foghorn Leghorn. He's huge, so you'd have to intentionally throw it over this guy's head to get it by him. Even Chuck Knoblauch would see his total of balls that he throws into the seats decrease drastically with Foghorn at first base. Total vacuum.

At second base, I'm going with Jerry from Tom and Jerry. Here in Boston, if there's anything that we've learned in recent years, it's that heart is not a stat that can be measured in a box score. That little guy has so much heart for a guy his size, and he's always dealing with adversity with Tom chasing him around, but Jerry always wins. That's who I want on my team. I don't care how big you are; I want a winner.

At shortstop, we're going with Yosemite Sam, another no-brainer. That guy can whip out a six-shooter, pull the trigger 20 times and have the guns back in his holster in under a second. That's impressive, and with hands like that, he's perfect for cooking up 6-4-3 double plays all day long with Jerry.

At third base, the Tasmanian Devil gets the call. Nobody has more raw power than Taz. He's obviously quick, as he demonstrates in his tornado episodes, and can make a strong throw across the diamond. He'd also be batting cleanup, as there's no cartoon character with his kind of power at the plate.

Behind the dish, another easy one: SpongeBob SquarePants. In this day in age, a catcher that can hit is as rare as a pair of pants that CC Sabathia can fit into. I don't care if SpongeBob can hit, but as long as he's behind there absorbing balls in the dirt and keeping the opposing team's running game to a lull, then I'm fine with that. Any offensive production that we can get out of him is an added bonus.

In left field, we've got Donatello the Ninja Turtle. If you're familiar, Donatello swings a big wooden stick as his weapon. Boom; you're a baseball player that hits for power playing a corner outfield position. You don't have to have a brain to get the hang of it. See: Manny Ramirez.

In centerfield, we've got our secret weapon: the Roadrunner. He's our leadoff guy that doesn't try to do much with the ball, just get on base and turn singles and walks into doubles with is speed on the base paths. As our leadoff guy in center, it's all about on-base percentage, and forget about the slugging percentage. I want singles, I want walks, I want stolen bases and I want runs scored. That's it. His UZR will obviously be off the charts, as not only is he ridiculously fast to cover all the ground in spacious outfields, but if he's outsmarting Wile E. Coyote all the time, then he'll be smart enough to run the right rout to a ball hit into a gap.

In right field, we've got Popeye the Sailor Man. He'll be batting third in front of Taz with plenty of protection, and with his power, you could easily see 80+ homers and 200 RBI combined between the 3-4 hitters in this lineup. Easily. He's not the slickest fielder, but we'll take a defensive miscue here and there if his OPS is over 1.000.

There's a toss-up decision to be made at DH. It's kind of like in 2003 when the Red Sox brought in Jeremy Giambi and some guy named David Ortiz. At DH, we could either go with Mickey Kaline from Hey Arnold!, who the show obviously named after Mickey Mantle and Al Kaline, or we could go with Bucky Majors, who was the humongous slugger from the Rugrats, who saved Tommy Pickles life by catching him in his glove when Tommy fell from the stands. Majors also warmed up from an at-bat by swinging 30 bats at the same time in the on-deck circle. I'm not opposed to bringing both of these guys on board, assuming that one of them can fill in at the right field position once Popeye tests positive for steroids.

My closer is never going to blow a save, ever. In the ninth inning, the bullpen gates will open, and out comes CatDog. If you dig in on the right side, we come at you from the right side. If you're a lefty hitter, you're getting lefty sliders coming at you all day. CatDog is like that ambidextrous pitcher that the Yankees have in their minor league system. Just the ultimate freakshow secret weapon.

On the mound, an unquestionable MVP candidate, the one, the only, Bugs Bunny. Not only is this guy nearly unhittable on the mound, but he's like Pedro Martinez. He does more than pitch a great game every time out there, he gets in the batter's head and distracts them from their plan at the plate.

Nomar Garciaparra said it best, "Back then, my idol was Bugs Bunny, because I saw a cartoon of him playing ball - you know, the one where he plays every position himself with nobody else on the field but him? Now that I think of it, Bugs is still my idol. You have to love a ballplayer like that."

I do love a ballplayer like that, Nomar. And that's why he's the captain of my squad. If there was one game left and it was a must-win, the ball is going in Bugs Bunny's hand. I'm sure everyone out there will have their own all-time cartoon baseball lineups, so feel free to share in the comments below!

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Published on September 07, 2011

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